They Loved Her
by LilyLivered
Summary: The POV's of the guys who loved Buffy, after 'The Gift'. (PG13 for naughty language)
1. Spike

  
  
  
They Loved Her.  
  
  
By Lily (lily_livered@hotmail.com)  
  
  
  
Spike.  
  
  
I never really believed it would happen. I always thought we'd come through,   
save the day and all that. And we did.  
  
But I never thought she'd die.  
  
Buffy's foiled my plans hundreds of bloody times, she's killed The _Master_   
for fuck's sake. She managed to defeat the man she loved -- sending him to hell  
in the process -- which I think she could've done even without me helping  
her, and she's stopped the end of the world so many times now that she can get   
it done and still be home in time for dinner. She only died that once, too, and   
she bounced back from that fairly quickly.  
  
So when I saw her body... I figured that after a couple of days in bed she'd be   
fit as a fiddle. Obviously, I was very wrong. You might call it stupid, too -   
I call it wishful, hopeful fucking thinking.  
  
'Oh, but you're in love with her', you're thinking. No shit Sherlock, of course   
I loved her. The way I felt - FEEL - about her... It reminds me of how it feels   
to walk in the sun, all warm and safe and content.  
  
But love wasn't the only reason I wanted her to open her stupid Slayer eyes and  
keep on living.   
  
Sure, there were those little things that would occur to all of us later - like  
what was going to happen to Dawn now, or what we were going to do with their   
house (and the fucking morgatage). But the second most important thing after love   
was this: Who was going to save the world now?  
  
Because, don't get me wrong, even though those Scooby Snacks always did their parts,  
Buffy was the actual apocolypse averter. She pulled them together and gave them the   
plans and had the balls to stand up to the big bad all on her lonesome - even when   
it was a hell god who could blow us all from here to hell and back, all with just  
a batt of her skanky, fake, eyelashes.  
  
Buffy was the glue, the rope, the heart, the compass... She held them (us) together,  
loved them (us..?), and told us where to go and what to do when we got there. And I   
think that without her, we're all fucking dead.  
  
And I think I'm scared.  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Riley

  
  
  
  
They Loved Her.  
  
By Lily  
  
  
  
Riley.  
  
  
  
Riley,  
  
Buffy's dead. They thought you might like to know, and then made me write  
to you. Willow said to tell you to take care. I say, stay in the fucking   
jungle and get eaten by a tiger.  
  
Spike.  
  
  
P.S. Riley, sorry about Spike. He's an ass. - Willow.  
  
  
  
  
They brought me the letter this morning when we came in from hunting a couple of  
demons that were terrorising a local village. A couple of the guys ragged on me,   
thinking it was a letter from a girl. And it sorta was, just not the girl I wanted.  
  
Buffy's dead. She died. Buffy is no more, she's no longer with us. She's kicked the   
bucket, bought the farm, and gone to a better place.   
  
Better place my ass.  
  
She's dead, and every time I think it, it becomes more and more unreal. She's the   
Slayer for crying out loud -- nothing can kill her.  
  
  
I wonder when it happened.   
  
The envelope looked a lot worse for wear when I got it, and it looked like it had   
been redirected a bunch of times just to get to me. So I don't know if she died last   
week, last month, or the day after I left. Or, even, if she died five minutes before   
the helecopter took off, and that was why she didn't come and stop me from leaving.   
  
And was it a Vampire? Or did a demon turn out to be too much for her? Was there a   
lot of pain, or did she die peacefully in her sleep? Was she surrounded by friends...   
or alone?  
  
Why did I even leave? Because I'm some pansy who can't help it when his girl gets   
distant, that's why. Instead of dealing with my own demons, I travelled halfway 'round   
the world to kill someone else's. I could've been there, I could've helped her... I   
could've said goodbye at least.   
  
There's part of me that wants to apply for a transfer or quit or whatever. To go back   
there and see it for myself, and put flowers on her grave, and go out and get pissed   
with Spike and Xander, while we reminise about how much we all loved her.  
  
But the rest of me... It knows that if I go back, she won't be there. And I've been   
holding onto a fantasy ever since I left Sunnydale... That one day I'd roll back into  
town and she'd be there waiting for me. In the fantasy world, she's been pining away   
for me, cursing the day that she let me leave. And when I knock on her door she jumps   
into my arms and tells me how stupid she feels and how much she loves me, and how we'll   
live happily ever after.  
  
Obviously, this isn't an option. But as long as I'm here, as long as I can pretend that   
it's all a stupid joke that Spike is pulling on me, I can believe that she's still alive...  
  
And that she's waiting for me.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Xander

They Loved Her

> They Loved Her.
>     
>     By [Lily][1]
>     
>     
>     **Xander**.
>     
> 
> They say you never forget your first love. And I'm not sure who they' are, but I think they're right. 
> 
> I loved Willow. And I love her. She's the best friend I've had, have and will ever have, and I'm glad that our little interlude during high school didn't screw that up. I might've loved Cordy. I think I did, but then I wonder how I could've done what I did if I'd loved her. And Anya She's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life loving, until we're little old people with wrinkles and grey hair, living in a condo in Florida.
> 
> But Buffy was the first. She was the one I asked to the prom, the one that was all I could talk about, the one that I fell in love with when I was just a kid. She was the first girl that I went truly ga-ga over, the first - and the beginning of a long line - to reject me, and the first girl to break my heart. And now all I have left is the memories. 
> 
> And now I feel like such a bastard. Because the first thought I had after we'd defeated Glory, all the dust had settled, and I'd pulled Anya out from under all that crap was relief. Relief that of all of us that were there that day, Anya hadn't been the one that died. Because the odds had been against all of us making it through the fight, and this tiny, microscopic part of me was _happy_ that Buffy had died instead of Anya.
> 
> Then I realised what I was thinking I nearly dropped Ahn on the ground.
> 
> I knew, rationally, that I wasn't really happy. I was in shock after all, and my brain was letting all sorts of thoughts and emotions float around in my head, unchecked. That hasn't stopped the guilt, though.
> 
> So I'm sitting in my old room in my parent's house, which is now the spare bedroom. I've got a shoebox full of high school emptied in my lap.
> 
> It's weird, because the bed still has my old Spiderman sheets on it (my parents are to cheap to buy new ones), and the carpet is still the nasty brown it's been all my life. But there's these girly, frilly curtains in the window and the walls are now light blue. 
> 
> That all just adds to the surreal atmosphere. It makes me feel like it's all a dream, and I'm locked in this weird room where Buffy is dead, and that if I wake up, everything will be back the way it's supposed to be. Did I mention that I haven't gotten much sleep since...
> 
> Anyway, I've been flipping through our senior yearbook - the one that said that "the future is ours". Ha. What future? I mean, at a school with a mortality rate like Sunnydale, was that really an appropriate thing to say? I guess they thought "the future for you is bleak and short" was too harsh. But yes... back to the actual yearbook contents. 
> 
> They (there's that 'they' again...) say that highschool is the best time in your life. And I've realised that you don't think that until it's over -- in my case, really over. Because I'm looking back... at all these pictures where Buffy is smiling and happy and alive... and I understand. It really was a great time in our lives because, even though we were juggling demons and homework on a nightly basis, we felt that we were as safe. Or, as you could be on a hellmouth. And Buffy had already beaten death once before, so it was like she was unstoppable. _We_ were unstoppable. 
> 
> That whole 'unstoppable' vibe lasted for years. Because we kinda were, really. We graduated and killed a demon mayor _at the same time_, defeated Adam and the Initiative boys... It was like no matter what the PTB threw at us, we could catch it and throw it right back at 'em. But Glory... We thought we were so good... And we were. Just not good enough. 
> 
> God I love her. And I miss her. And I have a feeling that the ache in my chest isn't going to go away any time soon. Or, like, ever. 
    
    
    

   [1]: mailto:lily_livered@hotmail.com



End file.
